Am I autistic?

Dear Kina,

I hope this helps you through these testing times.

First of all, I want to tell you that this is not just because I feel partly responsible. You know how hard it is to strike a conversation about autism with most people? It's impossible! And I'm super excited that you're into this topic. Which is kinda my first point.

You're interested.

As a person who tries to get others excited about topics that I'm into, most people aren't really interested about stuff. At most they might entertain the conversation, but they never contribute to it as much as I want them to.

Let me be very clear though. I don't think you're interested in everything. Take the other topics I try to talk to you about:

• Harry Potter,
• Linux stuff,
• Religion,
• Philosophy,
• Linguistics, etc

You don't give a shit about those. okay maybe not Harry Potter, but the point is that You do this because you follow your curiosity.

Kinda like Sherlock Holmes.

That's right. You're like Sherlock Holmes.

No, I don't mean you're a super genius but you never know. I'm talking about the rest of his personality.

Sherlock has a unique way of viewing the world. And no, I'm not trying to speak in platitudes. There really is something special about him.

Like the things he's interested in, for starters.

He has special interests.

There's a scene in the RDJ Sherlock Holmes movie I know you hate it but bear with me where Watson finds him training flies to move around in concentric circles inside a jar. This is played for laughs because for a neurotypical person...

• This activity isn't financially viable.
• This isn't going to improve your social life in any way.
• It doesn't contribute to anything else.

It's like, they can't grasp the concept of having interests because you like them.

Most of the people I know follow this template of thinking. But you don't. Which is ironic, as autistic folks are known to templatize the rest of their routines. But when it comes to hobbies and interests—the more chaotic, the better. You know why?

But that can make Sherlock stubborn about his interests as well.

He's a stubborn bitch.

In A Study In Scarlet, Watson does an analysis of Holmes.

• Literature – Nil
• Philosophy – Nil
• Astronomy – Nil
• Politics – Feeble
• Botany – Variable
  • Well up in belladonna, opium, and poisons generally
  • Knows nothing of practical gardening
• Geology – Practical but limited
  • Can distinguish soil types; has knowledge useful in detection
• Chemistry – Profound
• Anatomy – Accurate but unsystematic
• Sensational Literature – Immense
  • Appears to know every horror perpetrated in the last century
• Knowledge of Crime – Extraordinary
  • Remarkably detailed and specific
• Violin Playing – Expert
• Fencing and Boxing – Skilled
• Knowledge of British Law – Fair

One quick glance and you'll see how deficient he is when it comes to general knowledge. There's even that famous scene where he doesn't know nor care that the earth revolves around the sun because it's not relevant to his work. Yeah, right. I secretly think he's just making excuses so Conan Doyle won't be forced to say I only want to learn the things I want to learn.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

I don't know if this is apographical, but I think it fits the archetype perfectly, even though his behaviour seems strange at first. That's because Sherlock isn't curious about the things he's not curious about.

See the similarities? No? Maybe it's because of your...

Impostor Syndrome

I think this is what you're struggling with the most. And I think the disability community has to be blamed partly for it.

There's this thing where people like us get mad when someone says, "Omg I'm so OCD" or something similar. I understand the offense, but I think that also makes it hard for newcomers to be authentic without overthinking about hurting the sentiments of the community.

Personally, I use it to check if you're authentic. Here's how.

• People who deeply feel autistic tend to be more considerate about the feelings of the community.
• People who are just interested in the aesthetics of autism tend to miss out on these finer details.

So as far as I'm concerned, something about this resonates with you far more than neurotypicals usually can. Kinda like the enchantment used by Dumbledore on the sorcerer's stone.

"Only someone who wanted to find the stone—but not use it—could recieve it."

Pretty sure Solomon would agree to my judgement as well.

An alternate approach.

At the end of the day, I'm no therapist. And you're questioning too, so it's harder to explain your position to people. Here's what you can say instead.

If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended—
I speak no claim with boast or plea,
But only share what seems to be.
If I say, “I think I'm autistic,”
Let not thy heart turn chauvinistic.
No harm I mean, no crown I seek,
Just naming thoughts I cannot keep.
For wonder grows where doubt is cast,
And self-discovery comes at last.
So judge me not for what I feel,
This thought of mine is just as real.
And if this notion gives offense,
Then take it as no more than sense.
Give me your hand, if we be friends,
And Puck shall make amends.

Thanks for reading.

Love,
Paul.
Vice President, Autistic Affairs.

Take me back home.